You’re late. More than late.
You stumble out of the bed to go to the bathroom and it dawns on you that this is the best time to take a pregnancy test. So you rummage through your medicine cabinet hoping you have one more pregnancy test leftover from the 3-pack you bought last month.
YES, you find it — you feel like you just struck gold!
You take the test and wait.
The default line shows up and a faint second line appears in the background. You turn the stick towards the light, inspecting it more closely. There’s definitely a second line, right?
You begin rebuking yourself for going-cheap. For buying the off-brand instead of splurging for the surely-more-accurate-outrageously-expensive-ones. Because going-cheap means another trip to the store.
You mentally map out the closest 24hr pharmacy and your now-dressed husband makes his way out the door to make the awkward purchase. He painstakingly locates the right section of the store – home to pregnancy tests and all things embarrassing to purchase. Quickly he grabs another 3-pack in hopes of avoiding a repeat experience and hides it under his arm until he gets to the register.
He avoids making eye contact with 17 year-old female clerk and lies to her, saying he doesn’t have a bonus card, so he won’t prolong the awkwardness a minute longer. He quickly swipes his card and physically relaxes once it’s dropped into the plastic bag.
Another 3-pack later, you’re sure. You’re pregnant!
Your world is now officially altered by the anticipation of life-impacting change. Your mind immediately fast-forwards to the future as you begin picturing your family + 1 and how it all will look in the coming days.
You are filled with expectation.
Much like the days leading up to Christmas, you begin to counting. You count weeks instead of days, each week bearing more excitement {even if excitement wasn’t your first feeling} and increased preparation.
I’ve had 4 full-term pregnancies and 3 miscarriages {my sweet babies, Corey, Creeden and Grace are already in the arms of Jesus}. When you add up the total months I was pregnant out of my 11 years of marriage. It comes to a grand total of 3 ½ years. One third of my marriage.
If you have walked through infertility, I realize how insensitive those numbers may seem. I won’t pretend to know your pain or falsely attempt to enter-in. I walked with a close friend through infertility and that is her story to tell.
I’ve only witnessed the pain, loss, suffering and grief that is real. Absolutely, heartbreaking. If that is your story or was your story — although these words may fall short, I am so so sorry.
I do recognize that life is more of a miracle than we realize. I’m grateful pregnancy didn’t always come easy and yes even in losing 3 precious little ones in-utero I’m grateful for the gift of perspective that my grief and loss gave me.
Life is more of a miracle than we realize.
{Including our own}
Pregnancy gives us that perspective like nothing else can. Even with all the medical interventions available to us, we cannot control life in the womb. We can do “our part” but that doesn’t guarantee “results”.
Each and every woman has to take that pregnancy test to see if it comes back positive or negative.
Ultimately, it’s out of our hands and we have very little to do with it. Once baby is conceived there are no guarantees that we will get to hold that precious baby in our hands, I don’t say that out of fear but out of the reality that it is not within our control.
The mystery of pregnancy points to God. To the awe and wonder of the very person who IS in control, while recognizing that person is not M-E. The creator of life is someone outside ourselves. We may know and believe that truth, but pregnancy puts our beliefs to the test.
We cannot control life or death. We cannot guarantee life, but we can choose how we live it out. How we celebrate the days we are given. Yes, given.
So let’s stop-it with the arrogant conversations we can find ourselves in {myself included}, where we act like we had everything to do with it. You know the ones….
Don’t forget the mystery of pregnancy.
Don’t forget that life is more of a miracle than you realize.
Don’t forget the range of emotions you experienced surrounding pregnancy tests::: excitement, disappointment, overwhelmed, fear.
Don’t forget the joy of baby-flutters, gentle-kicks and the miracle of life growing inside you.
Don’t forget the miracle of birth and the memories of holding your babies for the first time.
Don’t forget the grief and heartbreak of not getting to hold 3 of your precious babies.
Don’t forget the joy of nesting and dreaming up the future…
Lovingly,
Your 35 year-old self
“You formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.” Psalm 139: 13
*Stay tuned for more to come on Pregnancy:: The Sickest Days